Stories. Not a blog.

“Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.”

I've had hives all over for the past week and yesterday I booked myself my first virtual visit. I answered a fuckload of questions, uploaded some pictures, and now I wait. A nurse is supposed to get back to me sometime today with results and possibly a prescription; and I am really nervous. I've never booked an online visit, and my fear is that it “won't work”. I hate going to the doctor's office and this seemed like a “safe” option, but only time will tell. I feel like something mystical may be going on with these hives, but perhaps that's the child in me talking?

Godspeed.

C. W.

I have a heavy pressure in my chest and I feel slightly paranoid; I think writing will help, so here I am.

Work has been steadily busy. I like it, but lack of sleep makes things incredibly overwhelming (sometimes). Work makes me feel paranoid and stressed more than anything else (currently), but I have been repeating a little song I heard a couple of weeks ago to myself when things get tough and it has made a difference. Who knew?

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I am not afraid of getting old. I look forward to wrinkly skin, aching joints, thinning hair, using a cane or walker; I look forward to it all, because getting old means I survived. I made it. I didn't quit (on my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations and desires; I didn't quit on myself.) I proved my toxic upbringing and my demons wrong. I made it—and I was here to stay (and I was mentally OK with it.)

I am not afraid of getting old. But I do fear becoming a resentful, jaded, and depressed (old) woman. I do not want to be unhappy forever. (and) I fear losing my spark. I fear losing the best parts of my self (those that are here and those that are on their way). I fear it. I hate it.

And if I grow to be a bitter woman, then I do not want to keep living. (or do I? I won't know until I get there, right? So, should I give myself a chance?)

I “celebrated” my birthday last week and (for the first time in a very long time) I actually enjoyed it. I went out to eat with my sister and then, as fancy people do, we Uber-ed to the museum, where an inappropriate choice in shoes screwed both of us up. The rest of the day was super calm and relaxed, and I finished a book I's started the day before. That's it. That was my day. I spent it with someone I really cared about and (surprise! surprise!) I enjoyed turning older for the first time in my adult life.

Godspeed.

C. W.

A while back I wrote a story about my first computer, and at the end of that story I briefly talked (i.e., mentioned in passing) about that one time my mother and I watched porn together—on accident. Since writing that little blurb the memory of that awful day has haunted my waking hours and now that sufficient time has gone by, I believe the time is good and ripe to explain the before, during, and after of that horribly awkward and embarrassing moment.

Ok, here we go….

I was a gentle and naïve child before this unfortunate event occurred. Our computer was brand new and after getting over the excitement of owning something so fancy and cool, I remember innocently going on a wild internet search to find an email provider (AOL, our dial-up internet provider, did not have the username I wanted available). Everyone at school who owned a computer had one yours truly was not going to be the exception.

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Despite being a little sick and feeling physically tired, I feel really content right now. I feel at peace. I feel like a burden has been lifted off my chest, but I don't know when or why that burden was lifted (why was I even carrying it in the first place?). It feels strange but good. It is very rare for me to feel this way, so I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

I'm working on a story (2 GIRLS 1 CUP) and feel very optimistic about where it is going. If not this week, then the next. :)

Hope you have a good night.

Godspeed.

C. W.

Here are a few things that were on my mind all of last week ((Nov.7-13, 2021). (If I find this soothing I may start doing this every Sunday!)

  1. I loathe and despise Christmas with a passion, and I hate that my family loves it so much (that last bit is me being a selfish dickhead). The holiday itself is super lame and participating “in it” feels like an obligation and a burden. This year might be the year I officially say “FUCK IT” and end up not celebrating “it” or buying anything for anyone. December is a pretty difficult month for me as is and Christmas makes it even worse. The stress and anxiety is awful and my depression sinks to the lowest of the low during this month. Over the years I have tried hinting and outright explaining why I don't like this holiday (and December as a whole) and no one ever seems to listen. My pleas as supplications go unheard and things continue as “normal”. I am considering renting a hotel room and taking my dog with me; so that I can be alone and at peace from then until the end of the year (or at least the 24th and 25th). Maybe if I'm able to “do” Christmas on my own terms my opinion of it will change? We'll see what happens...
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I've been working from home for three days now and I kinda hate it. I know most people who work—and who don't already work from home—hope and dream and pray and wish for the opportunity of finding a good-paying job that gives them as much flexibility as mine does.

And believe me, I'm very happy and thankful and grateful for this amazing and wonderful opportunity (that will end sometime in 2022 once my company decides to bring everyone back into the office) but if I'm being 100% honest, I really hate that I don't have a morning routine anymore.

Before I was allowed to work from home I would get up at 6:00 AM, I would read or write for a little bit, and when 6:30 AM hit I would haul my punk ass out of bed and I would hop in to the shower. Twenty minutes later I would be out and fully dressed (in jeans, a pajama shirt and a cozy sweater), and I would spend the next 40 minutes chatting with my family, eating breakfast in unrivaled peace, and, every now and then, reading or watching TV. Once 7:45 AM hit I would walk out the door and make my way to work; (pleasantly) enjoying the sunrise as I traveled past the bougie million dollar homes on Summit Avenue and the mildly pathetic “hustle and bustle” of downtown.

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[Note: I want to post this before the day ends, so please bear with me if this post seems a little chaotic.]

I am fresh off my annual Halloween neighborhood walk! We left around 6:30 PM, when the sun was beginning to set, and we returned about 30 mins ago (it is currently 8:11 PM).

The weather was perfect, there were enough people walking around (in cool costumes) to make it interesting, and I managed to eat a celebratory Halloween Caramel Apple to celebrate the evening! My baby was super happy and excited to be out and about and he got a BUNCH of compliments from kids and adults alike. He was supposed to be a Target employee for Halloween, but the dummy chewed his Target badge before we made it out the door and without it he was just another bougie dog wearing a sweater. My mother, who completed our annual Halloween walk with him because my sister and I walked to the convenience store to get some snacks, said that a couple of people thought he was cosplaying as Freddy Krueger. I guess it was too dark for them to make a clear distinction between striped and plaid shirts.

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And have not had much time to do anything; hence the lack of posts or stories on this wee little (not a ) blog. I feel neutral about the way things are going, and based on previous experience it is best for me not to get my hopes up. I may write a small blurb once I've been there for a while, but, as usual, I don't want to commit or make any promises.

Getting used to a new routine/schedule is taking a big toll on the little energy I possess, so posting another story before the end of the month might be a little tricky. I will try my berry best to squeeze something out, but picking what to write and then gathering things together might take some time. We'll see what happens.

Godspeed.

C. W.

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