Hamburger Mid-Mid Life Crisis

I am having a mid-midlife crisis. I have been desperately looking for this stupid hamburger from my childhood and I CANNOT FIND IT ANYWHERE. Well, I can cause’ I managed to find a picture, but I mean I can’t find anywhere to purchase it. I used to buy these a lot as a kid and its been over a decade since my lips have tasted their marshmallow-y goodness.

Mallow Burgers

These babies would always sit on the candy aisle at the Dollar Tree store right next to the theater and cotton candy. Every week, my dad would give my sister and I $15 as an allowance (Domingo as we call it in Spanish) and without fail we would go to the Dollar Tree store in Little Canada that was about 10 minutes from where we lived to spend our money on puzzles, toys, snacks and coloring books. We used to go so often that the store employees started to know who we were and the types of things we liked.

One time, I remember we couldn’t go during a specific week (I don’t remember why–yes, I know this blurb is filled with contradictions) and the next time we went, the store employees asked us where we’d been. They found our absence odd and were happy that we were back that day. I wasn’t very good at understanding sarcasm them, but it’s possible that’s what they were doing.

We stopped going after we moved to a different place and sometimes, I wonder what they thought after we stopped coming…Were they happy? Worried? Did they really care? I tend to overthink a lot and am probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should, BUT I can’t help it.

Anyways, whenever these were available, I would always spend two or three bucks (one time I spent five) on these bad boys. My mother would always complain about me eating these because she said that they would get stuck in my stomach. They never did (I think), but who knows?

Waiting a week to purchase more was TORTURE and sometimes I would have to finesse my sister into giving me any leftovers (and sometimes brand-new unopened ones) she had. I wonder if me doing that as a child somehow screwed her up psychologically. She tends to hoard snacks and would rather let them expire than allow my brother or I to eat them. She’s our family’s Smaug when it comes to snacks.

I am fully aware that there are a lot of jerks who like to talk smack about these beauties but let me tell you: they are WRONG. These burgers are absolutely divine. I have always been a sucker for “odd” candy and this little gem definitely falls under that category.

I would very much like to try one at least once more before I croak. These things were a big part of my childhood and I really miss them.

Thank you for listening to my awkward story. I shall be back soon with more boring content.


C. W.

[Note: This is an old and very underwritten/underdeveloped post. Enjoy, nonetheless, and feel free to critique the Betty Boop out of it! I am also testing the waters/deciding if I want to use images in some, most, or all of my shenanigan posts going forward.]