Tom Thumb

The power of Christ—(and good old-fashioned BOREDOM)—has compelled me to sit down and tell you about the time my great-grandmother bit OFF a woman's finger during a vicious fight.

[NOTE: According to a second-hand yet reliable source (i.e., my mother) our families were MORTAL ENEMIES and to make a long story short, we had a Romeo + Juliet situation in our hands. Now that you have “sufficient context” please enjoy the rest of this horribly written story.]

Our story begins with my great-grandmother, who had (time and time again) explicitly forbidden my grandmother, Mary of the Angels (yes, that was her real name!), from seeing a young ruffian named Felix. According to my great-grandmother, Felix was not good enough for her daughter and his family were unworthy of copulating and intermingling with ours. (And his parents felt the same way about her.)

My grandmother, however, being the teenager that she was, completely disregarded my great-grandmother's warnings and advice and continued seeing Felix in secret. Her escapades were always meticulously planned days in advance and her sister, my grandaunt Elvira (R.I.P—the subject of her scary death will be a story for another time), was the one who facilitated her cover-up stories and served as a distant chaperone.

On the day of this horrible event, my grandmother asked my grandaunt Elvira for help to get out of the house and after much persuasion, she hesitantly agreed. My grandaunt made up some story about needing to go to the stores near the Zocalo for some supplies and my great-grandmother agreed to let them go as long as they stayed together and out of trouble.

Happy to have fooled my great-grandmother again, my grandmother and grandaunt put on their best clothes and walked to the Zocalo, blissfully ignorant of the trouble that was to come.

While my grandaunt was busy buying supplies and wandering around the Zocalo on her own, my grandmother met up with Felix in the center of the Zocalo, which is…the busiest and most transited place in town…


I’m sure they probably said a lot of corny and ridiculous things to each other and made plans for their next escapade when—as they were blissfully engaged in a passionate yet PG embrace—Felix’s sister caught sight of them as she was walking through the Zocalo with some friends and ZAT! off she went to rat them out.

A few minutes went by without them realizing they had been caught, when Felix’s mother arrived; angry and looking for revenge. Like my great-grandmother, she had also warned her son about staying away from my grandmother and he, in the name of teenage love, had also disobeyed her. This was her chance to make it clear that she did NOT approve of her son’s dating choices and she did not disappoint.

Without thinking twice, she started going WWE on my grandmother; punching her, kicking her, slapping her, pulling her hair, calling her a whore, saying she wasn't good enough for her son, etc. A crowd gathered and my grandaunt Elvira, shocked by the horrible scene unfolding in front of her, ran off to tell my great-grandmother what was going on.

Moments later, my great-grandmother arrived and that’s when shit really hit the fan. After my great-grandmother pulled Felix’s mother off my grandmother, they began to brawl in the middle of the Zocalo, not caring who saw them. As my grandaunt Elvira tried to console my grandmother, Felix’s mother made the terrible mistake of putting her fingers inside my great-grandmother’s mouth (EW!) came Tom Thumb. In a fit of rage my great-grandmother had done the unthinkable and everyone’s lives had been altered forever.

Blood squirted everywhere and the thumb just laid on the pavement, like an abandoned weenie sausage. No one knew what to do and everyone was too shocked to say anything. The police eventually arrived, causing a great commotion, (someone from a store nearby had called) and my great-grandmother was arrested. Felix’s mother was taken to the hospital and BECAUSE THE FINGER HAD BEEN LOST IN ALL OF THE COMMOTION, they were never able to re-attach her thumb. [INTERLUDE: My mother thinks a dog may have eaten the woman’s finger, but she can’t say for sure. Anyways…] My great-grandmother managed to wiggle her way out jail because she claimed self-defense (my grandmother was a minor) and she was released that same day.

After that incident, both kids CONTINUED seeing each other, but after some time Felix broke things off in order to calm things down, and his parents took him away. Sadly, they never saw each other again. To quote the most dramatic and famous man in literature: “These violent delights have violent ends / And in their triumph die, like fire and powder / Which as they kiss consume.” (I'm not sure I used that correctly but given the context of this story it seemed appropriate. Time or someone else will tell (me).)

My grandmother considered Felix to be the “love of her life” and she never forgot about him. The way in which they were forced to break up apparently had a negative impact on her because she went on to live an incredibly unholy life (you’ll eventually hear about this if you stick around long enough). She “grew up”, met a douchebag and eventually my mother was born. A couple of years passed, my mother grew up and she ALSO went on to meet a douchebag; and I was (unfortunately) born. Life is cruel, stranger. Life is really cruel.

In all honesty I have no insightful, inspiring, or heart-warming end to this sad tale. Life works in mysterious (and sometimes very sad and cruel) ways and we are all in for a ride, whether we like it or not.

As always, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you, thank you.

Godspeed; and in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

C. W.

P.S: I talked to my sister about this and we both have some “thoughts” about the way in which things unfolded. I'll try to follow up later, if I can.