Why I Stay

Someone asked me a few days ago why I stay. “If you hate it here so much—if you hate me, why do you stay?” I chose not to answer, as many victims of trauma people often do, but I thought about it. I did. I really, really did. I thought about it good and hard. And I have an answer. I do. I really, really do. I'm just not willing to give it publicly (read: verbally).

As you can see I am (trying my best to be) [very] self-aware, and because I cannot help but think overly intrusive thoughts I allowed this one to take hold of my consciousness for the better part of five days.

Here is my answer.

I stay because I have nowhere to go. I stay because financially it is not possible for me to go anywhere. I stay because I need to protect my siblings. (better that it happens to me than them) I stay because Max loves it here—he loves you, and us leaving would break his heart. (and in the process it would break mine too; that's love, you see...) (but not in the way you think) (my heart wouldn't break because of you, but rather because of what the absence of you would do to him) (you're all he's ever known) (and i hate that i made it that way in the first place) (oh, well) I stay because I'm still looking (for a job, for an apartment, for a safe place to go) I stay because I've stayed for so long...you know what I mean. I stay because I need time to finish the Endeavor. I stay because the outside world isn't as easy as you make it out to be. I stay because I have no outside resources. (i have no friends or relatives, nothing temporary or semi-permanent) I stay because I am alone. (person-wise, of course. i have Max and he is wonderful, but he is just a dog and he depends on me more than anyone in this world.) And money. As usual. But most importantly, I stay because I just do. (and here is my little jab: i stay because you are a convenience to me, a temporary tool, a source of comfort for my dog, who would die without you)

There! There it is! There is my answer! Tell me now, are you— Happy?